"When you finally sit down with your mountain of data, that's when it's just you and your demons." - a mentor
"When you finally slow down in life, that's when you're faced with your demons. Just breathe." - Travis the yoga instructor
I've always loved spending time alone, but some how for the first time in my life it's become a frightening thing. Last week it was paralyzingly frightening. I called people, texted people, emailed people to meet up... didn't matter, the feeling didn't go away. Once I was alone again, there it was... that feeling of dread and sadness and fear, and dare I say it... depression.
My brother told me to "call a friend." That's the thing. I don't think I can depend on anyone anymore, because I'm not sure if I have people I feel I can depend on to be there. Friends and friendship... I'm beginning to think that friends are just people who come through one's life and you each serve a purpose for each other for some good times for a while... and you move on. At least that's my experience. So yea... you could say I'm feeling lonely... and I guess depressed too.
Then a mentor told me that she went through clinical depression when she was doing her dissertation. I was amazed and even more in awe of her than ever that she was able to so casually say, "I went through a clinical depression." It was comforting to know that someone I admire so much went through something worse than I'm going through. The next day at yoga, the instructor basically says that in life when we're constantly running, we often run from dealing with ourselves and our demons. Last week at church, the pastor talked about how it's important to not avoid conflict... I'll count this as a conflict with myself and my demons. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.
This may be the first time in my life since maybe elementary school (?) when I don't feel like I have a million things going on at the same time that I have to deal with immediately. So yes... life has slowed down for me and all I have are demons around me. So here I am, surrounded by my demons. Instead of freaking out and feeling like I need to frantically call anyone to hang out, I just need to breathe. That's what I go to yoga for right? To learn how to breathe and deal calmly with what life brings me. It would be easy to go out and just meet new people, see old people, and pretend these demons haven't been waiting for me for the last however long.
Accept my demons, feel the pain, observe the feelings... and just be ok with them, knowing that these feelings of pain will pass and life will continue moving, and I'll move along with it, and I'll be achieving things I never thought I could... like in yoga last week for the first time, my heels touched the floor when I was in down dog. Yes... yoga is my metaphor for life now.
