Let me preface this entry with the following statement.
It has come to my attention that I most likely will never be allowed to live outside of hippy dippy California. Everyday I find myself talking like a stereotypical California zen yogi. But... to my east coast folks... I keep it real when it comes to keeping up with pro sports. GRRR! I'm hard core! :P ... anyway....
DesiChic is going on finishing a week post-break up. In her reflections on her heartbreak, I am reminded of how crappy break ups are. More than that, I hear my own worries and disappointments. You see, DC had been seeing Capoeira Dude (CD) about 7-8 months. For all but 2 weeks at the end, she swore CD was not her boyfriend. I remember hearing her worries that she was scared to fall for CD, because then her heart would be invested and she would run the risk of being hurt... the potential of losing CD. She talked about her heart being iced over from past heart break, and needing time to thaw. She talks about her regrets that she took too long to thaw her heart, and regrets that by the time she admitted to herself that she was falling for CD... it was too late.
I know those thoughts, worries, regrets, sadness, heartbreak. With all my past relationships, I saw the end coming... perhaps self-fulfilling prophecies? Perhaps I just knew things weren't right? At any rate, I remember not letting myself feel too much, not letting myself fall too hard, guarding myself (even during the best moments and times) against the potential of future uncertain pain.
After the implosion last year, I did some serious soul searching. I met with Zen Buddhist Bishop, Unnee Oh over brunch. As I shared with her my heartbreak and implored her to share with me the ways of finding inner peace, she stopped my ramblings and said to me (something to the effect of), 'You must live now. You cannot worry about tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow will make you miss the beauty of what the universe is bringing you today.' And it struck me as ... so true.
Life is impermanence and metamorphosis. If you don't pay attention to what's going right now around you, you'll miss it and the experiences that come with each moment. What about past heart break? Yes, I seriously question whether I'll ever feel the same intensity of emotions for anyway the way I felt for EB1, but... truth be told, that was my first love. First love is special. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. I don't know if I ever want to feel that intensity of emotions again for anyone. It was a young irrational, crazy love. I'm in my 30's now. I'm looking for real love, like Mary J sang so poignantly. I still want butterflies in my belly and to feel tipsy when I think about that special someone, when I find him. It's so rare to feel those butterflies and wooziness, why fight the feelings when they come? What if things develop into something special, and you can develop that trust that lets you fall and feel safe? That's great, but I'll have somewhat missed out on really experiencing those fun giddy feelings, because I was so busy fighting the possible pain that might never have been or be.
You can't do anything about the past. Karma, as my brother F told me (my interpretation), is about the past events influencing moments after. You can only reflect and meditate on the past lessons and consciously and fiercely and intentionally live in the current moment, so that the future can be influenced. You never have full control, but the universe brings amazing things in all shapes and forms. It also brings terrible things. All we can do is take it in and embrace whatever the feelings are and let the feelings flow through, because it's a gift to feel.
I've been struggling since last year to live in the moment, and I do believe it's begun to pay off. Though I've been through some rough times and emotional struggles, I wouldn't wish those experiences away. The lessons I've learned from these moments will not stop me from living and feeling everything during the short time I am here in existence.
yeeeeah... I will never be able to live outside of California again, but let's live in the moment, shall we?
