"Why? I just don't understand why... again."
My mom's liver cancer is back. She had an MRI in July and the doctor messed up again. He didn't let us know that the MRI showed a 4 cm. growth on her liver's right lobe until a couple weeks ago when my dad decided to follow up with a phone call. Thankfully follow up tests indicate that the tumor hasn't grown much since July, but again the snail's pace that the health system works here requires her to leave home again, to go to Hong Kong for medical attention.
Mom's in a positive state of mind right now. We did this last year and the doctors in HK were great. But she keeps asking me, "Why? I just don't understand why."
When I first heard the news, I knew I would be leaving the country. For 2-3 weeks after surgery last year, mom needed me to help her. She wants me to be there again this time. I have to make sacrifices, but I'm not complaining. After my dad called me to tell me the news I was upset. I knew this wasn't good. So I prayed and meditated during yoga to quiet my mind to find some peace. I prayed and asked God to help me be strong for my family and to look over my family. The more I prayed the more I accepted that God has reasons for everything and that burdensome feeling began to lift from my heart and shoulders. I may not be happy with everything in God's plan, but I'm just mortal and just can't understand sometimes. God never sends us things that we cannot handle.
On Sunday (the 21st of September) I went to my friend J's church in the Valley. It was far, but I had to support J. She is part of a team of folks who are planting a church in Riverside. She's picked up and moved there, knowing no one, leaving behind the familiar and comfortable. I'm in awe of her faith and courage. She has been so wonderful in supporting me through my spiritual growth, I had to be there to show my support for her as she and this team got the new church commissioned. It was an amazingly powerful experience. People spoke about praying and listening for God's calling for them. It reminded me about how I've followed my own path around the country through my life. Since early 2001, I knew God (or something, as I called it) was working in my life. I knew there was something guiding me to make certain decisions. Whenever I made a decision that was against what I felt God was telling me things have ended poorly (case in point: EB3). There have always been signs telling me what the right decisions are. When I quiet my mind I hear and see things clearly. I just never felt comfortable calling these moments as communion with "God" until this past Easter. I always knew that a powerful force was protecting me and has always blessed me and my family. I just didn't want to call it "God."
After 7 years of feeling very spiritual and connected to God and having a very powerful experience this past Easter with Christ during a very dark period in my life, I finally made a commitment to recognizing Jesus as my savior and committing to building and developing my relationship with God through Christianity this past Sunday, after J's church was commissioned.
J and I prayed with 2 of the church's pastors. I have never felt so light than after that prayer. It's as though a heavy weight was lifted from my heart. I know that God will never send me things that I cannot handle. God is faithful. He has always been faithful... I live a very blessed life. I am living a path in life of my choosing. Few people have that luxury. I needed to recognize God's blessings and hand in my life... to find peace and strength.
So when mom asks "Why?" I don't have any answers, but I can share with her that we can find peace in knowing that we will be taken care of. We do what we can within God's plan, appreciating the blessings we have had and respecting that God will take care of everything, even if we don't understand everything in the plan.
