Sometimes I go to late night yoga (10:45 p.m. - 12:15 a.m.). The instructor for MW nights is a very attractive hapa (?) hipster with a voice I can only describe as sexual chocolate. Once he wore a t-shirt that said "Brown Sugar." My friend, LG, who re-introduced me to yoga, and I call him Brown Sugar. We'll text or call each other during the day on Mondays or Wednesdays with simply, "Brown Sugar?"
... anyway... the other night Brown Sugar had us in several hip opening poses. He told us to find a spot where we can stop fidgeting and just take everything in and release. They say that hip openers can be very emotional, because we tend to hold in residual emotions in large joints and the hips are the largest joints. By fidgeting we try to rearrange the difficult feelings and thoughts, never quite fully processing through them. By letting ourselves find active stillness, we can finally let things happen.
Active stillness ... I don't think this oxymoron is easily done by go-getters/over-achievers. It's been one long list of goals and accomplishments in my life. In fact I don't think I really feel comfortable just letting things sit and let effects happen as a result of my hard work. Instead after each accomplishment it's time for a next. What happens when I finally don't have a tangible goal to reach for anymore? No tangible plan with outlined steps tomorrow? I think that's what my depression was about earlier this year. What happens when I finish the Ph.D. and become Dr. ___ or Professor?
Active stillness... in relationships or dating or whatever the hell they're called, I'm realizing it's really difficult for me, either because of past experiences or because of media ingrained ways of being involved with a man. I feel an anxiety over the fact that DF and I don't talk on the phone or im much. I get the sense that both of us hate telephones. I know I do. And as for im, he doesn't have internet at home, so he can only chat at work, but that's not a good place to chat. So we end up not really communicating much, which is ok when I stop and think about it, but then ... like on Tuesday for some reason I started feeling like, "Dammit. He doesn't like me. We're not seeing each other again. He doesn't text, call, email, or im. He must be bored with me." And then he calls, and I freak out and feel all awkward on the phone and am dying to get off the phone. And after the awkward call, I start thinking of all the witty things I should have said. This... is NOT living in active stillness. I am not living in the moment. Bad yogi!
I also have a sense I should soon be having the "defining whatever the hell this is" conversation with him, and feel anxious that we have not yet had that conversation. But then I imagine what it would be like to be in that conversation, and (DUH!) whether I'd want to be in some type of commitment at any level. The answer is "hell no!" at least not yet. I hardly know the guy. It's fun kickin' it with him, and we definitely do better in person than on the phone/text/im, etc., but we don't see each other nearly enough to develop much in this... whatever it is.
I'm not sure what this thing is that I'm engaging in with DF. [wow that was an awkward ass sentence... reflecting the awkward nature of how i don't know how to wrap my mind around this] Whatever this thing is, I need to do better at just being actively still in this. It is what it is. I don't want to force anything that neither of us are interested in just because it's what I'm supposed to do or something. I do know that I DO NOT want to be just a booty buddy/f.b. I don't think I want a bf. Something in between might be nice, but then I return to feeling like any definition would be weird.
As uncomfortable as I am for whatever reason right now, I think I'm least uncomfortable here.
Active stillness... it is what it is. Just be ok with it... breathe, take it in and flow.
