I leave for week 4 of the summer of fun tomorrow. VEGAS baby! Earlier this week I got a last minute text invite from my girl C from Seattle to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party. We're on guest lists for the hottest clubs, thanks to her fiance's dj friend. Gotta love dj networks.
As the weekend begins, I already have half formed plans for next weekend. The Universe is really shooting opportunities for fun this summer. Next weekend... Dark Knight at the IMAX with DF, an all nighter of art/live performances in Santa Monica, and Hollywood Bowl again on Sunday.
The inability for this to be sustained worries me in some ways. In many ways it's not very me to be out there every weekend and some weeknights dancing, singing, concerting, flirting, drinking, etc. etc. I'm neglecting my work - dissertation, conference proposals. At the same time, I'm loving every minute, and never want it to end.
Perhaps as we grow older we learn to refine our partying styles and methods. We've learned through trial and error, following the crowds and trying our own things, what we like and what we don't like. Also I think as women, the older we get the less we feel self-conscious about what makes us happy. Maybe I've learned to efficiently maximize my fun times.
Or perhaps, EB3 made me older than I was for 3 years, and now I'm trying to find equilibrium, but to find equilibrium you swing far away from what was. He had a lot of rules for my behavior - what was acceptable and what was not. He didn't like that I cracked loud stupid jokes. I mellowed down. He hated that I clowned on yoko-johns, even when the john was clearly 30 years older than the mail-order bride looking yoko. He didn't like me with long hair. I kept it short because of him. He said it was gross that I wanted a tattoo. I plan to get one by the end of the summer. He thought traveling, unless it's to see family, was a waste of money. Our honeymoon would have been spent with his extended family in the Philippines. We would have traveled around the islands with them the entire time. I've been to Cambodia, Thailand, and Japan in the year after he left my life. I'm off to Costa Rica soon.
I'm emerging. It's crazy how even at 32 (still so weird to write that, since I don't feel like I'm what 32 is socially supposed to be), my sense of self is still evolving. It's true that the only thing constant is change, and so I try to practice meditating on finding peace in the activity of life. This way it won't be regression or out of control boil. Equilibrium will arrive shortly.
