"I feel so mean saying this about him, but he's just so... weird and awkward, but he's so nice and has such a good heart."Ohhhh, that is something I think I said almost verbatim in April 2004 about EB3. My friends at the time said to me, "Yea, he's quirky, but he's such a nice guy and he totally adores you. It's so hard to find a nice guy these days." My response to O-dawg tonight was much more definitive after meeting C this past weekend, and seeing how much C's awkwardness reminded me of EB3's awkwardness. It's not just your run of the mill awkwardness, it was the same brand of awkwardness of EB3... the kind that was based in his lack of awareness of himself. Without a sense of self, of who you are, you can have no integrity. You may as well be just a big blobby amoeba.
So even though I know (way too well) nice guys are hard to find, I told her, "Follow your gut. He's not right for you if you're feeling like this. Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean it will work out. 'Nice' doesn't make a relationship."
I wish someone had told me that in 2004, but can I really regret the road that was taken? It's taken me here, and as DC commented on my FB status tonight, I'm "HAPPILY single." The key word here being happy. DC, whose known me since 2001, also told me last week that I've changed for the better in the last couple years. That's probably something I might not have done without the path I've gone down.
So, influenced by the opinions of my friends and brother (C) in 2004, I decided to keep dating EB3 in 2004. Even though he lived in the south Bay, 2 hours away, he was very persistent in pursuing me. He was romantic and generous. My schedule was very demanding that year and he was still patient and persistent. Even though he'd never been exposed to all the political things I was active in, he made huge efforts to learn about them on his own. I tried to keep things open to dating other people since I still wasn't totally sure things felt right with him, but he was not having it.
So, I made a choice. Things were going great for about 6 months. He would occasionally mention things about the future, about getting married and having kids. It was a bit overwhelming for me, even though I was having a lot of fun. We didn't have much in common, but we learned from each other. I learned to rock climb, and loved it. I tried snow boarding, but I liked the outdoor hot tub at the condo much more. I trained to run a half marathon. It was an incredible feeling of accomplishment. I still like to run to clear my head.
As much fun as we were having, I still wasn't sure. We started talking about moving in together, to Oakland, halfway between where I work and where he worked. We signed a lease at a cute apartment by Lake Merritt at the end of 2004, and things were cool until we took a trip back East, and I met his mother.
(To be continued...)
